Last weekend I went to a conference in Washington DC called
Ecumenical Advocacy Days (http://advocacydays.org/). My first time
ever in the capital!! To say the least,
I was pumped. This year’s conference was
called Jesus Weeps: Resisting Violence and Building Peace. It was a gathering of 1,000 participants from
all different Christian denominations, from Catholics to Mennonites to Baptists
to Orthodox. We even had a few Muslims
attend! We were all there under one roof
to feel together our pull towards Shalom and our calling to advocate for nonviolence
in all areas of life. Being in the
capital, a lot of the sessions and workshops focused on policies and political
aspects of promoting nonviolence. After
5 days, I walked away not only physically exhausted but also mentally exhausted
as well. My head was chucked full of so
many new things and I’m still trying to process it all!
Speaking of processing, I thought I’d share a bit about my
re-entry emotions that I’m still feeling 3 months later. Culture shock and reverse culture shock, in
reality, are not really that easy to define, to pin down, to capture. Webster’s Dictionary simply puts it as: “a feeling of confusion, doubt, or
nervousness caused by being in a place (such as a foreign country) that is very
different from what you are used to.”
In my opinion, there are so many sides, so many variables and
manifestations that make it a complex and chaotic experience. And yet, everyone goes through it at some
point whether you’re moving to a new country or a new neighborhood. So what does it look like for me?
No, I haven't run screaming out of a Meijers or Target because there are too many options. No, I haven't froze to the bone and refused to leave my house. No, I haven't gained back all the weight I lost nor have I crammed my mouth full of good ol' American food like McDonalds and Pizza Hut. No, I haven't forgotten how to speak English (though it is hard from time to time). And no, I haven't been completely reduced to a puddle of tears because of all the change I'm swimming in.
Being home only for a few months, all the while knowing that I’m leaving again, doesn’t help me much though. I feel so much pressure (and desire) to re-connect with everyone—to see all of my old friends, to thank all of my donors, to be with my church and family—all before I leave again. And at the same time, I don’t want to get too attached to everyone and everything. It was hard enough the first time, leaving everyone behind. This time I want that Band-Aid rip to go a little less painfully. And yet, at the same time, I feel guilty for holding back (too many emotions at one time I know). Add to that my confusion at how to fit in again—I’ve changed and I’m not the Kelsey I once was. It makes me frustrated, angry, sad, lonely. It’s like high school all over again! Yet, I hear a lot of encouragement and it pumps me back up again, ready to face another American day.
Being home only for a few months, all the while knowing that I’m leaving again, doesn’t help me much though. I feel so much pressure (and desire) to re-connect with everyone—to see all of my old friends, to thank all of my donors, to be with my church and family—all before I leave again. And at the same time, I don’t want to get too attached to everyone and everything. It was hard enough the first time, leaving everyone behind. This time I want that Band-Aid rip to go a little less painfully. And yet, at the same time, I feel guilty for holding back (too many emotions at one time I know). Add to that my confusion at how to fit in again—I’ve changed and I’m not the Kelsey I once was. It makes me frustrated, angry, sad, lonely. It’s like high school all over again! Yet, I hear a lot of encouragement and it pumps me back up again, ready to face another American day.
And I’m happy, I really am.
I’m so busy with the work that I’m doing with the CRC denomination, my
church and the Nehemiah Center and I’m loving it. It gives me not only a space to share me with
others—both my story and my knowledge—as well as to teach me new things. The downside to staying busy is that I’m
avoiding times of meditation and reflection, and so I need to intentionally go
to a coffee shop or library or my room to spend time alone and just think.
So, am I handling reverse culture shock well? Well, in a way, yes. I am not wallowing in my grief of separation
and change. I am actively seeking ways
to share my experience with others and do things that make me feel a part of
the community again.
And, in a way, no. I
am avoiding time alone where I can reflect and pray and feel. And I’m avoiding becoming too attached to my
life here again and to the people I love.
This avoidance is causing problems here and now, problems like feeling
lonely even though I’m surrounded by people I love.
So, if you notice me wandering to and fro, grab me and hug
me. Trust me, I’ll appreciate that
little reminder :)
Stay tuned!
