Not My Story

Sometimes, I just get sick of talking about myself and what I do… I live with me enough already :)  Also, lately I have been barraged with stories of friends, family, and others who have died, often unexpectedly.  But I don’t feel like talking about death.  I don’t feel like discussing a world without certain people in it.  I don’t want to go there.  So today, I’m avoiding all that.  Today, I’m going to tell a story.

Stories have the wonderful ability to bring people together, to share in our joys, our misfortunes, our loves, and our despairs.  Stories reveal truths not only about us but about the world around us.  Mysteries are revealed, created, strengthened.  Characters are designed, developed, and loved.  Humor infects us.  Joy grabs us.  Pain makes us gasp.  Sorrow makes us cry.  A story tells it all, shares it all, believes it all.  With stories, anything is possible.

So, here is a small story I have written.  I won’t divulge my inspiration, for I myself am unaware of it.  Please, dive into the words; let the images sink into your minds, the emotions seep into your hearts.  And remember, stories are for sharing.

…..

The wind brushes against my face as I gaze stoically at the beautiful sight before me.  Mountains stand tall with peaks caressing the clouds above them, tips glistening with fresh snow.  A quaint town sits at the base of those stony walls, the sun glistening off the tin roofs and making the rainbow of colored facades that much brighter.  Green foothills envelop the small town and make their way to my house here in the distance.  The world today is so beautiful…but it fails to tug at my heart.  My mind is elsewhere, caught up in yesterday.  Why? I cry to myself.  Why to him and why now?  I suddenly look around, aware that I yelled that last part out loud.  Ashamed I look down and my strong stoic face crumbles, tears rush down my cheeks.  I feel so alone.

John, my sweet John, how could God take you from me now?  With two little ones and one on the way, why did He have to take you?  They need you as a father.  I need you. 

Dark thoughts fill my mind, swirling about, its venomous poison seeping into my heart.  I cannot love again, I tell myself.  I will not love again.  To love is to lose.  Worse, to love is to hurt.

My whole body aches, trembling from his absence.  I ache, painfully and physically, for his touch, his arms around me, his warm presence at my side.  I yearn for his smile, his wry chuckle, his hearty laughter.  I long for his stubbornness, his general lack of grooming, his obnoxious intelligence—things I never thought I’d miss. 

Part of me hears his voice in the other room, leading the others in a debate on politics or laughing boisterously at a well-timed joke.  Any second he’s going to come up behind me, hug me, and tell me everything is going to be all right. Any second now… Any second…

Time slows.  Minutes never pass.  Seconds drag on.  The world moves in slow motion, as if the wheels of the world are caught up in thick caramel, though this caramel lacks any of its sugary sweetness…  And still he doesn’t come. His voice never whispers.  His arms never warm mine. His presence is nothing but a wishful phantom.

My body heaves, unable to keep the sobs inside.  Unable to hide my hurt.  Unable to stop.

My youngest hears my sobs and rushes to my side, holding my hand in his, whispering kind words of love.  He leads me inside where my family waits for me.  They embrace me in their beautiful little arms, their warm and wonderfully alive little arms.  And I realize something.  They need me too.

…..

A short story, incomplete, fractured, simple.  Death is none of this.  Death is all of this.  I hope that what I failed to capture here in the words still came through in the story underneath.  The words between the words. Or rather, the emotion and story between the words. 

I hope you took away something to chew on, to ponder, to examine, to wonder (a hope that any storyteller wishes on her audience).  Stay tuned until next time!  

Thoughts From a Bus Passenger

I’m telling you, it’s going to be weird when I actually have to fly to get where I’m going.  Going on a big trip to Honduras via bus just didn’t hold the thrill that it used to, back when I was wet behind the ears about land travel through Central America.  Now, instead of looking forward to seeing new things at the border, I look forward to eating food at my favorite food stands, especially the handmade tortillas and the freshly squeezed fruit juices, and watching all the foreigners pay way too much to use a bathroom :)

Leading a focus group

Last week I had the privilege to travel to Honduras to participate in a CRWM Latin American conference centered on youth and violence.  In total, there were 86 participants from (I think) 11 different countries—a huge and diverse group indeed!  Throughout the many sessions in the conference, we had the opportunity to worship God in three different languages (Spanish, Creole and English) as well as learn about a youth program called IMPACT (which began in Romania) and how it has spread to many countries around the world.  Rachel and I also had the brief opportunity to share what we are doing here in Costa Rica and how our model and approach is different and unique.  Initially we were going to have an hour to present but when our turn came, we were only given 10 minutes!!  Ok, so that was hard to say the least, but I think we managed and hopefully people were able to take away something from what we shared.  While learning about different youth programs throughout the world was interesting, my favorite part of the conference was meeting new and old friends from many different countries.  Consequently, I’ve been offered several times to visit friends in places like the Dominican Republic, El Salvador, Romania, and Guatemala just to name a few (and I may take them all up on the offer someday!). 

Having fun with new and old friends :)

After attending this conference, what’s most been on my mind is the idea of “missions”.  I think that over the years, this word has become so warped and changed from what it originally meant that it no longer resembles its former self.  What in the world does “mission” even mean anymore?  Thoughts jump into my mind: knocking on doors, passing out Bibles, shaking hands and preaching on sidewalks.  But is it bigger than that?  I believe it is.  Having teen bible studies is as much a mission as having a soup kitchen for the needy, or a human rights campaign on sex trafficking, or hosting awareness group to promote breast feeding—though they might not work directly under or for a church, they are doing God’s work, albeit a bit more covertly than some other missions.  While in Honduras, I got the chance to talk with Dana Bates (who has his PhD from the Oxford Centre for Mission Studies) and how he came up with the idea for the IMPACT clubs in Romania.  Ok, so this guy is kind of a big shot and he was personally chit-chatting with little ol’ me.  Needless to say, I felt pretty good :)  Anyway, he said something that really meshed with what I have already been pondering: people try too hard to separate mission work and community development; in reality, they are two sides to the same coin and cannot (and should not) be separated.  When we work together for the betterment of our communities, for the betterment of others, we are living out God’s kingdom here on earth.  And that’s how it should be.  

But who is qualified to do missions, we might ask?  Bible thumpers?  English teachers?  Community workers?  Pastors?  High school students?  Me?  To put it simply: yes.  We are all qualified, but even more than that we are all called, to mission work.  In our homes.  In our communities.  In our schools.  In our government.  In our nation.  In our world.  Not just the missionaries that are commissioned by the churches.  Not just the sociologists or anthropologists with their fancy degrees.  Not just the theology experts or Bible teachers or pastors.  All of us.

So I say: so what if the word “mission” has changed?!  In my opinion, it has become more holistic over the years to recognize that every act we do to advance God’s kingdom is an act of service, an act of mission work.  So let’s not limit ourselves and “let the experts handle it.”  Because, guess what folks, we are all called to be the hands and feet of God, the loving neighbors, the humble servants.  Let us all pray that we never forget this challenge every morning we wake up and begin our day.  Let us not forget who we are and what we are called to do as children of God.

Stay tuned until next time!

Why am I Here?

I cannot believe that it is almost August!  Where did the year go?  I remember, way back in February, looking at how daunting the year seemed.  Psh, that was months ago already!  Honestly, I feel as if time is slipping through my fingers.  If I had a superpower, I’d choose to be a time traveler :)

I’ve been reflecting a lot lately on why I’m here.  Not in the literal sense—I understand why I chose to live in another culture for such a long time.  I’m talking more in the big picture sense of things.  Why am I, a young white American, here in Central America?  What does my presence here imply about me and my ethics?  Should I even be here?

I'm on the fence.  I’ve always felt that a person can be most effective when they work in their own cultural context—they already know all the rules to play by and have established relations with those around them.  Moving to a new place, a new culture, and/or another country is different—you have to start from scratch.  So, then, what's the purpose of international missions and missionaries?  To impose their ideas on an already thriving culture?  To impose new norms on an already established society? To save the impoverished?  Maybe I’m exaggerating, but isn’t that kind of what we’re saying by being here?  That we’ve got it all figured out and it’s up to us to share the “good news”?  Isn't that overly presumptuous of us?  Thinking we can change the world, or that we should change the world? If we are more effective working in the community we come from in the first place, why try to be where we clearly don't belong, where we might not be needed or even wanted?  Why do we feel this "white man’s Christian burden" to change the world one soul at a time?  Isn't that absurd? Audacious? Wrong?

That said, I do place a high value on leaving one’s context, learning from another, and coming back to put into practice what you’ve learned.  To do that, obviously, one needs to place themselves somewhere they don’t belong.  The temptation there, though, is in thinking that you are coming to change rather than to be changed. 

I’m not going to go all out and say that there is no place for international missions.  That would be way above my pay grade to do that.  However, I will be the first to question its importance and to keep a critical eye on anyone who feels called to that path (including myself).  Make sure you are becoming a missionary for the right reasons.  Please, be humble enough to accept the fact that where you’re going, they might not need you.  Be careful of that pedestal of pride you might put yourself up on—you are important, but so are those you’ve “come to serve”.  Make sure you are sincerely committed to moving to that new community and investing fully in its wellbeing.  Go into it with an open mind and a willing heart to be changed. 

I feel like I’m preaching and I apologize.  In reality, this is a pep talk to yours truly.  I need to hear these words as much as anyone and I hope that by sharing them I haven’t stomped too hard on anyone’s toes.  I’ll end by saying that I fully believe God has called us to a life of missions no matter where we are; I’m just not sure about the best way to go about it. 

Next week, I’ll be in Honduras for another conference.  I won’t be able to write while I’m away but I’d love to continue talking about missions.  Please pray for safe travel and for us to have a good time in Honduras.  Stay tuned!!

Community Organizing

This is the time of year where VBS is in full swing—kids are running around, volunteers are planning things last minute, and parents are more than happy to shoo off their kids for a couple hours.  Ah yes, summer :)  Here in Costa Rica, on the other hand, there are no summer bible schools, no fun fests, no themed lesson plans.  Well, in all actuality, it’s not even summer for them… but I have been around kids more in the last few weeks, well months really, than I ever have been before—VBS included. To be honest, I don’t really remember signing up for this… haha.

Why so many kids underfoot?  Well, most of what I do here is centered on a community organizing project called Bola Bola (lit. Ball Ball).  This project was created by, with and for the kids in our community with the aim at fixing up the local soccer court.  The cement floor is breaking up; the surrounding chain-link fence is rusty, coming apart (dangerous), and is too short to catch any stray balls (so we lose them to the surrounding rooftops); the dimensions are more square-like than an actual soccer field; and there’s no roof so when it rains (which is like 6 months of the year), we can’t play.  The goal then is to, by working together in teams, encourage the community and local government to take on that responsibility.  So far, we’ve had success in the fact that the community is behind us and helping us raise donations and the municipality is currently drawing up the plans for the new construction.  Yay!

Painting a mural with the kids

But there’s more to this project than just fixing a soccer court.  Why work with the kids?  Why not go straight to the big guys on top?  Our project is actually two-fold: fix the court as well as foster leadership in the kids and teens. We want these kids to come out of this project with the wherewithal and the knowledge to continue on in our absence.  We want them to be newly committed to their communities and to actively seek change in the world around them.  We are guiding them along this path, teaching them skills like public presentation and note taking, how to advertise and communicate with non-members, and how to show up on time to events and meetings.   We are also teaching them about the roles and processes in organizational meetings, who the “key” players are in the community, and how to motivate people into wanting the change you want. 

But working with kids can be really hard.  If it rains, their parents won’t let them come to the house for meetings for fear of catching a cold.  If they have school or homework or exams, most likely their participation will be non-existent.  If the meetings are too late or are set up last minute, they might not come.  In a word, they are not exactly in control of their schedules—their parents are.  On top of that, it has been (and continues to be) a huge challenge to convince the community that kids can be effective agents of change.  Please, let’s not limit them to “nice” and “fun” things like a sports day or a field trip (which are nice and all but what are they really achieving?).  Please, let’s challenge them.  Let’s believe in them.  Let’s provide them with the skills and the arena to exercise those newfound skills in.  Let’s take a chance, go against logic, and literally work from the bottom up.  By doing this, we are merely planting seeds—it will be up to God to build the garden in them :)

If you are curious about community organizing and the model that we are using (yes, we have a model), Rachel, Guissell and I have recently published a semi-professional blog about our project.  If you would like access, just email me or Facebook me with your email address and I will send you an invitation to join.  And even if you’re not that interested in community organizing, the blog is a great tool to stay connected with our Bola Bola project and see how things are developing.

On a side note (but probably still pretty important), I have decided to stay here until at least December.  This project will not be in a place for me to leave in September like I had originally intended.  Besides that, I’m just not ready to leave yet :)  But, by adding another 3 months to my stay, I need to raise another $700 to cover my living costs.  Ahem.  So here’s the part where I ask for money and things get awkward… In all sincerity, all of you have been overly generous in supporting me thus far and I cannot express my gratitude enough.  Could you be persuaded to help me a little bit longer?  Or nudge that person next to you who hasn’t donated yet?  And even if you can’t contribute financially, I would greatly appreciate a barrage of prayers for our project and that we can come to a place soon where I will feel that I can leave. 

And, another shout-out, if you know anyone who can speak Spanish and has worked in communities or with kids and is looking for an adventure, please tell them about me and the project here.  We can always use some more hands around here :)

Thanks again for all your support and prayers!  Stay tuned!!

What is Love?

What is Love? 

Is it a feeling? An emotion?  An inclination?  A decision?  An action?  A response?

Or is it something more concrete, like a warm embrace?  A chocolate cake?  A harmonious song?  An artistic masterpiece?  A butterfly kiss?

Does it come and go?  Or does it never leave?  Does it sometimes slumber deep in our hearts only to be awoken suddenly with ferocity and vivacity? 

Can it be given?  Taken?  Stolen?  Broken? 

Is it all of these?  Or none?  Or only some?

As you can see, I don’t really know how to describe it either (and I apologize for the intoxicating amount of pestering questions, but now you have but a glimpse of what a mess of uncertainty my mind is swimming in).  This month, Casa Adobe has decided to dive deep into the murky waters of the topic of love, a task that will no doubt never end nor is there really a clear beginning.  To start the general discussion, we began with a few “simple” questions: what does love mean to us personally, to our friends, to our community, to our culture, to our world, to our faith?  After much discussion, listening, and debating we have not settled on an answer but rather on a central question upon which to focus:  can you truly love without feeling love?  Meaning, can you do something out of love without ever having that butterflies in your stomach or fire in your veins feeling?  For example: if I know I love my sister, but in the moment I really don’t feel it (I may even feel the opposite), but I still decide to help her study for an exam, is that considered an act of love?  To be honest, I don’t know…

What I do know is that Love is EXTREMELY important to Christianity, a cornerstone upon which we build our faith.  I know, an epic epiphany for humankind…  Nonetheless, the ever popular verse rings in my head: “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love.  But the greatest of these is love” (1 Cor. 13: 13).  So, now that we’ve established that love is incredibly important, it begs the question as to why is it so important?  As John puts it, “Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is Love” (1 John 4:8).  So if our Lord, our Creator, our Master, our Father is by very definition Love, what does that mean for us as his children?  As Christians, we are commanded to “follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God” (Eph. 5: 1-2).  What does it mean to walk in the way of love?  How can I, as a young and fallible imitator of Christ, do that?  Especially when I’m so confused on what Love specifically means… 

During these next few bible studies, my deepest hope is that I gain more insight, more clarification, or at the very least a general sense of direction on this incredibly profound topic.  Pray that I, and all of those who are participating, will not only be blessed by the discussions we will have but that we as a community may emerge with a greater and deeper understanding of what it means to be the dearly loved children of Love himself and how we should therefore walk in the way of love.

Thanks for all your support and encouragement.  Stay tuned!

How Would You Weather the Storm?

You’ll be happy to note that my “meh” mood has been improving as of late.  I have now progressed to a “huh” mood where things appear intriguing and fun, but the energy to fully enjoy them is not quite there.  My goal for next week is to be in the “yeah” mood, where excitement is more often paired up with interest… we shall see :)

Susi and I drinking Starbucks in honor of
the 4th of July

This past week has been a busy one with each day having its own (and sometimes unexpected) visits, meetings, and surprises.  I participated in a cookie fundraiser, co-hosted the bible study at our new house, saw fireworks and drank Starbucks for the 4th of July, went roller skating, picked up friends from the airport (after they had an emergency landing), played soccer, finally did some laundry, was invited to dinner with two different families in the community, lost my house keys (I mean, I temporarily misplaced them), had friends seek refuge in our house after they got caught in a sudden downpour, made enough tea to make even the British proud, and watched the Big Bang Theory.  All in all, a hectic week.

On top of all this, I have been inadvertently thrown into a storm of frustration, anger, hurt and misunderstandings.  When you find yourself caught up in a storm not of your own doing (ex. you are feeling the aftershock and emotions of an event that happened between two friends), how do you handle it?  Do you build a boat to whether the storm?  Hop on someone else’s boat?  Cry for help?  Not say anything and just tread water?  Give up, succumb to the waves and drown?  And which, if any, is the right answer?  I have found out that at my core, I am a mediator.  I will not only build a boat but I will anchor my boat to those surrounding me, even if their boats are sinking themselves and may pull me down with them.  I cannot, for the life of me, ignore the hurt, anger or frustration of someone I know (nor can I ignore their joy and happiness).  I’m reminded of Romans 12:9-21, especially verse 15: “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn” (NIV).  And I will, for whatever reason, take on my friends’ burden as my own, bear that weight on my shoulders, and suffer alongside them.  For me, it would go against everything I believe in to not do this.  Even more so, when the issue is between two of my friends, I will not choose one over the other but place myself on both sides, bearing the weight of both perspectives.  I don’t know if it’s the wisest choice.  I feel torn at times, being pulled from both sides, tired of defending my friends while at the same time agreeing that they acted in the wrong… However, given the choice to have a do-over, I would choose the same thing.  I would willingly put myself there, between a rock and a hard place, instead of taking the easy way out and picking a side.  If Jesus is our mediator, and we are to act and love in his likeness, than I too need to be a mediator (no matter how flawed my imitation may be).  God calls us to be his peacemakers—please help me to find peace in myself so that I can help others find peace as well.

Before I’m done, I just want to personally thank all the mediators out there.  I know what a crappy hand life has dealt you.  I understand the blessing and the curse of feeling what those around you feel.  I know that you struggle and that you think you feel too much.  I understand needing to be in the middle in the hopes of finding peace.  I get it.  And I just want to say, thanks.  And hang in there.  Pretty soon, your very own mediator will come around to help you bear that heavy weight on your shoulders.  Until then, I pray that you may find comfort, solace and strength in the storm you are weathering.  Thanks everyone and stay tuned!

Dismal and Bleak and Gray

Here I sit...  And sit...  I could play a game...  I could watch a movie...  I could read a book...  I could go outside... 

Meh. 

I could go into town...  I could make some tea...  I could play soccer...  I could take a shower...

Meh.

This past week has been a charming example of “meh” and all that this little drab and depressing word includes…

And.

I.

Can’t.

Describe.

It.

For.

You.

I am happy too sometimes, don’t get me wrong.  Little Maya telling me a story, half in English and half in Spanish.  Baby Sage bleating for his mama and prancing around.  The fresh wind through my bedroom window.  The sun on my face in the morning.  A good cup of tea while reading a book.  These are the things I love.

But then, my dismal, bleak, gray “meh” mood comes back…

I know that there are emotions and thoughts buried deep, but for now my mind seems content to just bury them and forget about them for a while.  Those are tomorrow’s problems, tomorrow’s worries.  I’ll get there.  Just not today.

Dear Lord,

I pray that today will be a bit sunnier than yesterday.

That today, I will take time to be by myself.

To sit.

To think.

To cry.

To pray.

I ask that your hand be with me, as I face this new challenge.

Give me strength.

Give me patience.

Give me peace.

In your name alone,

Amen.