Until it's Gone

“Only hate the road when you’re missing home.  Only know you love her when you let her go.”  These lines keep running through my head, the catchy tune in Michael Rosenberg’s folksy voice and a guitar strumming away in the background.  I’ve always loved the lyrics to his song “Let Her Go” as I feel they describe oh so well several moments in my life.  Now, more than ever, I feel like it’s my theme song, played in the background of some epic movie about a girl who goes off on adventures and makes her home wherever her feet tread, only to realize she misses that which she has left behind.

The truth of the matter is: I don’t really know it’s been my home until it’s not anymore.  Does that make any sense?  Yesterday, I had this really surreal moment of trying to feel sad about moving and leaving everything I have come to love here in Nicaragua… and I just couldn’t feel as sad as I wanted to.  It then dawned on me that, as I soak up all these last moments here and savor every bit of adventure left, I won’t miss it here until I’m gone.  I won’t miss the sun and heat until I’m stuck in the snowy cold north.  I won’t miss the crowded streets and the nosy hustle and bustle of city life until I’m trying to sleep at night and all I can hear is the wind and the crickets.  I won’t miss the people here who I’ve come to call family until I feel the distance of the thousands of miles between us. 

I won’t miss it until it’s gone.

But, Nicaragua, do not worry! 

For I will miss you, that I can guarantee.

I will miss your green hills and volcanoes that line the horizon.

I will miss your sunny smile that wakes me in the early hours of the morning.

I will miss your sandy beaches and palm trees and salty waves.

I will miss your noisy markets and streets full of traffic, animals, people and random surprises.

I will miss your fireworks and parades and marching bands and spontaneity. 

I will miss your people and their open hearts that have welcomed me here and loved me as family.

I will miss you, a lot.

But not until I have left you.

So, Nicaragua, in a few days when I finally leave your land, wave me goodbye and wipe away your tears,

Knowing that I leave a piece of my heart behind.

And that someday, I will come back to get it.