How Long Does a Goodbye Last?

Today, as I'm sweating from the intense tropical heat, it's hard to understand that we have arrived at the first day of December.  Yes, here in León we have Christmas music playing on the radio, Christmas decorations and gifts for sale everywhere, and Christmas lights decorating houses here and there. Sometimes you can even get a glimpse of a decorated tree in someone's living room. Even so, it doesn't really feel like December should be here yet... Like when did that happen?

I also have to admit that as I sit here and type these words, my sight is a tad blurry from unshed tears.  Quite suddenly it's hit me just how close the end is.  I know I am not leaving for another 20 days, but guys, I'm leaving in 20 days!

I've already started saying goodbye. To people. To places.  I've started planning the bigger goodbyes, going-away parties with my students, my host families, my coworkers, my friends. My next couple weeks are going to be filled with these goodbyes.

And I hate it.

I hate saying goodbye. I hate thinking that in just a little while I won't see you again. I hate knowing that I won't be able to just pop over and chat with you in your kitchen, or meet you for coffee, or enjoy a random parade or fireworks or a gigantonas performance that we run into on the street. I hate to admit that there will be no more street-food dates at that place behind the cathedral, no more long bus rides together to Managua, no more jaywalking and dodging traffic, no more movie nights in our living room. Really, I just can't stand the fact that I have no idea if I'll see you again.

So how long does a goodbye last?

A few weeks? A few months? A few years? Forever?

I know I want to see you again. I want to go to the beach with you again, watch the sunset, marvel at the stars. I want to have drinks with you on the third floor and spend too much time chatting and people watching. I want to speak Spanglish with you and laugh at how bad our English is getting, or be proud of a new Spanish word or phrase we learned. I want to do spontaneous things with you like birdwatching or going to a concert or going for an ice cream run or running home in the rain. I want to have sleepovers and air-conditioning dates and weekend getaways. I want to just be with you, doing whatever we fancy at that moment.

Bottom line: I don't want this to be an End. No capital E's here. Just nice pauses, a "see you later", a "nos vemos cuando nos veamos".

I’m going to pretend that this isn’t just a fanciful wish of mine, a fleeting hope that “ends” don’t exist, not really.  Yes, I will see you again.  Someday. 

Until then,

Kelsita