Let it Go for Lent

Lent is here, again.  And once again I’ve struggled to come up with something to give up for these 40 days.  But inspiration struck Sunday evening during a sermon on confession: this Lent, I am letting go of my sin.

Ok, Kelsey, wow that sounds amazing. Pretty sure that if you’re a Christian, Kelsey, Jesus already took care of that part.  Like permanently.  So you’ve got no worries.

You’re absolutely right.  Jesus has taken care of that.  But I’ll let you in on a little secret: sometimes I don’t act like I’m a Christian liberated from sin.  Sometimes, I hang on to that sin and wallow in it.  

Why?  Because letting that sin go may hurt.  Some sins I keep buried down deep, secrets I keep hidden from the world and from God.  And confessing to that sin and asking for forgiveness could hurt, a lot.   So instead of confessing, I keep quiet.

Confession.  Say the word aloud and savor the taste of it on your tongue for a moment.  It’s not necessarily the best tasting word is it?  It’s kind of salty, a little bitter, definitely not pleasant. 

Unfortunately, this bitter flavor is a result of history and culture, and not in fact the word (or act) itself.  Our culture has warped the word into a painful experience of admitting the bad things you’ve done aloud for everyone to hear and potentially judge.  Which is why we avoid it so much!  Instead, we end our prayers with “Lord, forgive us of all our sins” and we flippantly throw “I’m sorry, please forgive me” around.  But this is only to avoid the actual act of confessing, using the blanket petition for forgiveness to cover the fact that we never confessed what we did wrong. 

Let’s go back to the root: God designed confession as an act of healing, not punishment.  We confess our sins to him, not because he needs to hear it but because we do.  By confessing aloud and admitting to the fact that we have failed in some manner and owning that, we are allowed to let that go and make room for God’s grace.

Which brings me to Judas.  Yes, the Judas.  Judas Iscariot, one of the chosen 12, was a man who sinned.  He was a man who knew that he had betrayed a good and honest man, a man who knew he had led his friend to his death.  Judas knew full well the act of treachery he had committed, and in the end hated himself for it.  Jesus offered Judas healing and peace, but Judas couldn’t accept it.  Instead of confession and forgiveness, instead of choosing his Lord and Life who was standing right in front of him, he chose to hold on to his failure and suffer in his misery.  Eventually, this led to Judas committing suicide. 

His story breaks my heart.  He was this close to getting the big picture but just couldn't see it. I wish he had accepted God's grace and forgiveness--it truly would have been a powerful story of redemption. I want Judas to be forgiven, to be saved. But instead, we get a story of how strong a person’s guilt and attachment to sin can be in overriding our acceptance of God's forgiveness and love.  

I don’t want to end up like Judas did.  I don’t want to wallow miserably in my sin, choosing suffering over joy.  I know full well that I am a broken daughter of God who sins every day.  BUT, I am a daughter of God, liberated through the loving sacrifice of Jesus Christ.  So during this time of Lent, I am actively choosing Life every day by confessing my wrongdoings, letting my sins, my failures and my brokenness go, and making room for God’s grace.

Stay tuned!

¡Que Viva la Poesía!

Yesterday evening I had the privilege of attending Granada’s International Poetry Festival, a week-long celebration of this beautiful linguistic art.  Poets from all over the world were invited to this event to present a few of their pieces to the public.  Every day different events and activities were planned, from poetry reading sessions to music concerts to a book fair.  One of the best parts: you didn’t have to pay a single penny to attend!  Everything was free for anyone and everyone to come and enjoy. 

el cantante Carlos Mejía Godoy

Ernesto Cardenal

Ernesto Cardenal reading his poems of Lake Nicaragua

And enjoy we did.  We heard pieces from famous poets, included Ernesto Cardenal and Gioconda Belli, as well as a wonderful concert performed by Carlos Mejía Godoy.  I resisted the urge to get my picture taken with Ernesto Cardenal, now a man of 90 years who doesn’t need another unknown stranger grabbing his hand and faking friendship.  I’d much rather sit down with him and chat about his life and poetry, to see where his inspiration and energy comes from.  Ah, to dream!  Instead I sat back and thoroughly enjoyed his poems he shared that he dedicated that evening to the great Lake Nicaragua.

Sitting in a crowd of hundreds of people from around the world, immersed in the vibrancy of the event, sharing in moments of laughter and emotion and thought provoked silence, I suddenly realized just how blessed I was to be a part of it.  And so, in the spirit of poetry and love, I thought I’d share with you a small poem I wrote about Nicaragua the end of last year.  Enjoy :)

Nicaragua

Foreign

Colorful

Loud

Chaotic

My first steps on your dusty ground,

My eyes wide with wonder

My heart shy and timid

I loved and felt loved

By your gente, your pueblo

But I left, quickly

Afraid of the country I left behind

You confused me

You scared me

And so I left

But God read my heart that day

And cast a new future for me

A future I never could have predicted

Never could have wanted

For once again, Nicaragua was calling my name

And so, feeling the divine push of God on my back

I said yes to your call

I said yes to what scared me

And once again, Nicaragua, you shocked me

Doing the unexpected

Breaking through the cage I put you in

Against my will I was wooed

By your volcanoes,

Your corn and frijol and café fields,

Your busy streets,

Your tall cathedrals,

Your noisy parades,

Your crowded markets,

Your sandy beaches,

Your smiling children and mothers and husbands and abuelitos

Nicaragua

You have changed me

Stay tuned!

A Day in the Life of Kelsey

So you may or may not have asked yourself: “What in the world is Kelsey doing in Nicaragua anyway?”  Which happens to be a very good question.  Unfortunately, my response could fill the pages of a small book (not necessarily a page turner by any means… more of a manual or boring documentary).  Instead, I’ll limit my response to giving you a small glimpse into one day of my life: today.

7 hours later and my ant friends are making
quick work of the dead roach carcass

I wake up this morning, my fan blowing on me keeping me fairly cool.  7am sharp the siren in town goes off, as does my alarm.  I ignore both.  My attempts at catching a few more seconds of half-sleep are fully interrupted by my roommate saying goodbye (she’s off to Managua for the day) and the meows of my cat.  She’s hungry.  And I’m her food dispenser.  The world needs me.  I wake up, dish out a bowl full of kitty food, heat up some water and make me some coffee.  Before anything else, there is coffee.  While I wait for the water to boil I notice a small ant hill has taken up residence in the kitchen.  I get the broom and sweep away the unwanted housemates.  An ant retaliates and bites my toe.  I pour my coffee and am half scared out of my mind by the sudden appearance of a giant cockroach in our sink.  I grab an empty pop bottle and proceed to beat it up.  It scurries away so I follow in hot pursuit.  In the end, I win.  I grab my coffee and scarf down some yogurt as I catch up on some emails I failed to respond to yesterday.  I then realize how unkempt I must look and so I hop in the shower, the cold water instantly shocking me awake.  There’s nothing like coffee and a cold water shower to kick-start your day.  After throwing on some jeans and a nice shirt, a friend texts me and says he’ll stop by in 15 minutes to drop off something.  In this country, you just never know when you’ll have company.  After his visit, I grab my things and head out to do some house visits.  Today’s goal: stop by all 7 of our host families, see how they’re doing and collect the program evaluations I gave them last week.  At each house I make small talk about their families and the weather and the weekend and the Ruben Dario festival going on in town and anything else that pops into my mind.  We briefly talk about the SPIN semester abroad program and the evaluations.  I gently end each visit, say my goodbyes, and head on to the next house.  The total 16 block walk is nothing too terribly difficult—what’s hard is the hot sun beating down and the guys on the street leering and catcalling as I walk by.  Unfortunately, after all my walking and visiting, I’ve only managed to collect 4 out of 7 evaluations… I should have the other 3 by the end of the week.  I manage to finish my house calling just as the noon siren rings to let us know its lunchtime.  I get home only to realize we desperately need to go grocery shopping… so I grab a cucumber, some chips, some bread and some avocado and have a quasi-picnic sort of lunch.  A lady selling fruit and vegetables rolls by the house and my hungry stomach urges me outside.  I buy a dozen bananas and a papaya for $1.  I eat my gourmet meal while I check on my emails again—more have come in throughout the morning.  (Here’s a little secret: at least 50% of my job involves the internet or a computer…).  I then get a phone call from my roommate telling me to go pay the electric bill as it may or may not be past due.  So I head out once again to pay last month’s electric bill: a total of 232 córdoba, or roughly $8.70.  On my way back, I buy a French baguette from a small bakery to reward me for my morning endeavors.  Once home, I head to the kitchen to make my second round of coffee—vitally important in keeping up one’s energy during the hottest part of the day.  My mid-afternoon snack of coffee, fruit, and bread hits the spot and I’m once again energized to work some more.  So, as no one will be surprised, I open up my computer and start working.  Which brings me to this very moment, typing about my day thus far.  Which means this blog has just taken a strange turn: form blogging to blogging about blogging.  Meta-blogging.  Anyway, back to reality.  The rest of my day is rather uneventful: finish up pertinent emailing, do my daily devotional, maybe sweep the floors, eat some dinner, and watch a movie tonight with a friend and her popcorn. 

So there you have it: one day in the life of Kelsey.  Maybe if another more exciting day happens I’ll share it with you all :)

Stay tuned!

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I happen to have a very good friend, someone on whom I rely a lot.  We meet as often as time allows, daily if at all possible.  In fact, sometimes while we’re meeting I’m thinking about the next time we’ll meet.  Our friendship to say the least is very strong.

And then there are the times where I get set up and our meeting is ruined.   Or our meetings get cut short.  Or I just can’t focus on what we’re saying.  Or our conversations take a left-turn down crazy lane.  In those moments, I’m not really sure about how I feel about our relationship.

Ok, I’ll stop playing.  My friend’s name is Sleep.  And sometimes, Sleep ignores my beautiful courting as if I’m nothing more than a whisper in the wind. 

Yesterday was one of those days.  For whatever reason, I startled awake from a dead sleep, all sorts of confused.  I lean over to check the time on my phone and IT WON’T TURN ON!  Ok, so a fleeting moment of panic there.  You see, my phone doubles as my alarm clock.  And on Mondays I need to be awake bright and early for a big day of work.  Anyway, it appears that my phone felt the need to die on me in the middle of the night with no forewarning.  I hop out of bed, blind as a bat and manage to find my phone charger and plug it back it.  The phone turns on: 3:00am flashes before my eyes.  Ugh.  My heart is now racing and the chances of me falling back to the sweet embrace of Sleep are, well, none.  They were none.  I lay there, willing myself to fall asleep but my efforts were all for naught.  My ears found all the nightnoises intriguing: cats meowing, mice and iguanas crawling on our roof, the occasional car driving by, my cat doing God-knows-what out in the living room, the constant purr of my fan, the ticking of the clock in the hallway… basically everything.  4:30 rolls by with a series of frantic buzzing.  The source: my phone.  It appears that on Sunday I was meant to receive 7 text messages, all of which mysteriously got lost in the technoverse and eventually found their way back to me.  At 4:30 in the morning. 

My host dad snaps a picture of me
sleeping on our way to Managua

And then my alarm goes off at 5 to wake me up for a beautiful Monday full of work in Managua.  Sigh. 

4 hours of transit, 4 meetings, and 4 coffees later I was finally back home in Leon and oh so ready for my nightly meeting with Sleep. 

I’m proud to say our meeting went well J

Stay tuned!

Jesus Wept

Do you cry?  Why?  What makes your eyes water?  What makes your sight blur, your heart ache, your soul weep?

Do you weep?

This is a big question for me… for the very simple reason that I, Kelsey Davies, avoid crying at all times.  I take pride in the fact that sad movies do not move me.  I stand tall in circumstances that might make others fall to their knees.  I practice daily my poker face skills and my ability to compartmentalize anguish and sorrow.  Tears do not become me.

Or so I tell myself.

Recently, I’ve come to the understanding that I’ve been lying to myself all this time.  My lies have made me strong, yes, in moments of adversity and hardship.  But I’ve realized that tears are beautiful.  They’re little glistening reminders of feelings, little droplets of empathy, little water warriors against the great foe Apathy.  Tears remind me that I am human, that I am broken, that the world is broken. 

I have had two quotes float through my mind quite a lot this week, words stated so simply and profoundly that I just can’t quite shake them.  The first comes from Jonathan Safran Foer’s book Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close: “Sometimes I can feel my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I’m not living”.  The second comes from Josh Garrels’ song “Farther Along”: “The good man died, the bad man thrives and Jesus cries because he loves them both”.

I can’t quite put words to how these two quotes make me feel.  Sad doesn’t quite capture the profoundness of it; heavy doesn’t quite capture the weight of it; depressed doesn’t quite capture the energy of it.

The simple explanation for this?  It’s not just me feeling this way.  There is something deeper in my gut that understands this inward groaning of my soul and feels it too.  As Rubem Alves puts it: “If we are to believe Paul, the Holy Spirit abides in depths too deep for words.”  The Holy Spirit dwells deep inside me, hovering over the waters of my soul.  She understands my feelings that no words can express because those feelings are her feelings too.  Roman 8:26: “In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans” (emphasis mine).  Groan: a moan so full of feeling and meaning that no word can fully describe it.  The Spirit groans!  God recognizes that some feelings are too profound for conventional dialogue.  And the truth of the matter is: even Jesus wept.  That means that the Holy Trinity—our Lord, Life and Love—feels the pain of the world, understands the groaning of our unsatisfied hearts, and cries because of it.

Sometimes, crying is the only way to express those deep feelings, those wordless groans, those aches of yearning for wholeness. And when we cry, we are not alone.  Thank the Lord, we are not alone.

So today, cry a little.  Embrace that pain and yearning that are buried deep.  Open those doors to your heart and feel.    

Stay tuned!

Photo Credit: http://lookafteryoureyes.org/how-your-eyes-work/about-your-eyes/tears/

Ashes to Ashes

Tomorrow my team leaves me, taking with them I hope a new sense of adventure, curiosity and understanding.  Though this week presented many challenges to me, I am grateful for the wonderful time I’ve had to get to know not only a new group of North Americans but also a new group of Nicaraguans.  Saying goodbye to new friends is always hard, but it is a beautiful example of how quickly God can open our hearts.

My team, seven teenagers and two adults from Pella Christian High School, had the opportunity to stay with host families in the northern city of Chinandega.  An adult team from Pella also joined them in Chinandega, their mission slightly different from ours but overlapping from time to time.  Five churches in Chinandega hosted us and welcomed us into their midst: they led an inter-church soccer tournament in which our teens joined as a competing team (we won 5^th place!), they set-up a day trip to a pool fed by natural springs where teens from the churches could hang out and get to know everyone as well as hear a message from the Bible, they held an inter-church youth service in which teens from all the 5 churches as well as our team participated, and a variety of other activities.  Our team also visited a school here in Managua and each shadowed a student their age to get a new perspective on education in a different context.  In all, the goal of their trip here in Nicaragua was to open their eyes to the Nicaraguan youth and the lives they live.  And the best way to teach anyone this is not through a textbook, seminar, webpage, or blog.  The best way is simply exposure, the more the better.  So, if you don’t understand someone, go live with them.  That’ll give you a better idea where they’re coming from :)

Ash boarding at Cerro Negro

We also had some time for having some fun and enjoying Nicaragua.  We took a half-day and traveled with all of the host families to the beach using public transportation (which is an experience in and of itself).  We climbed the active volcano Cerro Negro and went ash-boarding down it (think sledding but down a volcano).  We wandered around León a bit, climbed its cathedral and enjoyed its views of the city, sampled fresh fruit smoothies and haggled our best at the souvenir stands. 

As often as we could, we talked with the teens about what they were experiencing, what they were surprised about and what they were curious about, what they loved and what they found challenging.  In a poll, the thing they loved most was the new relationships they made with youth here as well as with their host families.  One of the students commented about how hosting their families were: “Jesus welcomed the stranger.  They welcomed us.”  They also said it has encouraged them to reach out more to the international students at their school, the strangers in their land and be good hosts to them.  The hardest thing for everyone was the language—being high school Spanish students didn’t prepare them fully for an immersion experience!  In all, they’ve expressed excitement about their trip and a desire to return and be with their friends again someday.  Mission accomplished.

Tomorrow I will drop them off at the airport in the early morning, take a bus back to my house in León, and crash in the hammock with my kitten and a good book J

And then it’s back to work.

Stay tuned!

Hurdles and Skinned Knees

Photo credit: http://www.inc.com/14-tips-for-jumping-entrepreneurships-hurdles.html

I am the 200 meter hurdler in a regional meet.  I have good shoes on my feet, a uniform that fits, and the energy to keep my heart pumping and muscles contracting at lightning speed.  I know this stretch of man-made track; I know the slight waist high barriers that block my path; I know my body.  This is a race I can win. 

And yet.

And yet with each step forward and each hurdle crossed I feel no farther along in the race then moments before.  In fact, I’m sure more hurdles have suddenly appeared in my lane, doubling, tripling.  I find myself scrapping the tops of my knees on the hurdles as I cross them.  I am losing momentum.  The track itself expands to a length I cannot guess at, the finish line too far off in the distance to even glimpse.  Simply put, I feel trapped in a race I cannot see an end to.

This mental picture describes me so well right now and I want to explain why.  The end of last year was a whirlwind event: completing my first semester with the Dordt students, saying goodbyes, finishing tasks, planning ahead.  Amidst this flurry of activity I had the opportunity to fly home to spend the holidays with my family and friends.  It was truly a wonderful time and the best Christmas gift I could have asked for.  But it too was a whirlwind event with activities packed into the few short weeks leaving me little time to pause and take a deep breath.  Saturday I returned to Nicaragua, sad to leave Michigan and yet happy to be once again in my Central American home.  More chaos greeted me the second I debarked the plane.  Taken separately, each task before me is one I can easily hurdle.  If I zoom out, however, and take in the panorama I start to feel quite burdened by all of not only the work but also the energy required to do it and the emotions that will be tied to it.  It is a race I fear I cannot finish.

But then, God comes and knocks on my virtual front door and puts a little treat in my inbox: two Bible verses that have somehow escaped my notice and sunk down to the pit of my “to read” emails.  In a way as if the prophet was speaking directly to me, Isaiah 41:10 tells me “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous hand.”  The next email shares Isaiah’s voice once again, this time from Isaiah 40:31: “but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on the wings of eagles they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”

Ok, God.  I hear you.

YOU are my strength.  YOU are the hands that hold me up so I don’t fall down.  When my feet falter, when I feel faint, when the sight before me has me groaning and moaning, YOU ARE THERE WITH ME. 

Suddenly, this race before me seems to shrink back to its original size and I can sigh in relief.  I will get through this.  WE will get through this.  By the grace of the God who loves us.

Stay tuned!