Be Still, My Soul

Photo Credit: Ethan Hunter

Be still, my soul.

Be still, my soul.

Oh be still, my soul.

I sit here, surrounded by a tropical paradise of palm trees, beaches and volcanoes--I shouldn't have a care in the world. Not in this very moment at least. My mind, seemingly blank, tries to convince me that I truly am at peace. But my body betrays me. My feet fidget, my heart quickens, my breathing shallows, my fingers twitch, my stomach twists, my teeth clench. I feel energetic, but in a sick sort of way. I want to go and to do, but I also want to stay and to be still.

Why can't I be still?

The simple truth of the matter is: I'm scared. I'm scared of both the uncertainty and the certainty of the future. I'm scared of not knowing, of not being ready, of not being good enough. My fear is eating away at my faith and tearing great gaping holes in my peace. I feel like I'm living on shaky ground, forever stuck in the middle of a gentle earthquake.  I'm never quite at ease for the simple fact that I don't trust the ground beneath my feet.

Truth be told, I know I'm being ridiculous. I know I have no reason to be feeling this way, not when I know with all my heart the faithfulness and love of God. In Him I should have no fear. His strength will be my strength.  I will find rest in his embrace and refuge under the wings of the Almighty.

So why do I still doubt? Better still, why do I cling to this doubt? How can I break these chains that are binding me to a life filled with hopelessness, dread and anxiety? 

My only plan of attack right now is to fully immerse myself in the moment, to be fully here and now. Feel the warmth of the sun as it wakes up from its nightly slumber. Notice the gentle breeze on my face and the rustle of it in the leaves of the trees.  Listen to the many calls of the birds chatting to one another around me.  Smell the smoke of a fire, the exhaust of a bus, the aroma of cooking food, the pungent odor of sun-rotting garbage. Hear the sounds of the hustle and bustle of city life, street calls and honking horns and barking dogs and pop music.

As I let myself go and just be present in my senses, I am once again reminded that I am not alone. This world isn't just about me and my place in it. It's much bigger than that. I am but one piece of a much larger and more beautiful mosaic of life.  For whatever reason, this calms me somewhat. I may not be still, but I am calmer than I was.

But I want to feel the depths of God's peace in me, the peace that transcends understanding. I pray that this incomprehensible peace like a river finds my soul so that I may be caught up in its flow and lost in its movement.  Jesus, please be the river in me. Come and still my disquieted soul. Lead me to green pastures and still waters. Guide me and keep me, Father. I am yours.

Stay tuned!