Honesty as Policy

Photo: courtesy of Sarah Davies

Yesterday I read a Proverb that sort of hit me right in the face with its words.  In fact, I think I still have a blotchy red mark on my forehead as evidence of the forced interaction.  The reason it hurt so much is because, once again, it was talking directly to me, right now in this very moment.  Here it is:

Better is open rebuke

Than hidden love.

Wounds from a friend can be trusted,

But an enemy multiplies kisses.

Proverbs 27:5-6

After reading this, my mind jumps first to the people around me, trying to decipher who beside me is in fact an enemy multiplying kisses.  But I can deal with people like that—in fact, I enjoy trying to understand the people around me and figuring out what makes them tick, where their motivation comes from, why they want to be with me.  I’m used to guessing between friend and foe.  It’s a task that’s as natural to me as brushing my teeth or breathing—I do it unconsciously and before I know it, I have a profile of someone in my head labeling them as “friend”, “foe” or “unknown: requires more research”. 

So that’s not what hurt when I read this proverb.  What hurt was the thought: “What if I’m an enemy?”

I think back to all the times where I held my tongue, where I guarded my silence, where I held back from telling the truth.  My reason?  I didn’t want to hurt anyone.  I didn’t want to rock the boat and create waves.  I didn’t want to tread on anyone’s toes.  I didn’t want to wound my friends and become their enemy. 

But what if, because I held back, I actually hurt them more than if I had told the truth?  What if my gentle rebuke was more needed than my fake kisses?  What if they needed to hear the truth and I had denied them that?

It’s a weird thought, thinking that I have failed my friends by keeping quiet or by saying what they wanted to hear.  It’s weird that my silence effectively buried my love for them, hidden behind a façade of empty kindness. 

Apparently, to love does not equate painlessness.  Love hurts. 

And, if the love is true, love hurts both the giver and the receiver.  Think about it: in the moment where a friend gently rebukes her friend, both are pained by the experience.  The giver of the rebuke has exposed herself and has put herself in the vulnerable position that’s open for rejection.  The receiver of the rebuke has more obviously been hurt as the words of truth delve straight into her heart and mind, a sword of truth that pierces through the strongest armor. 

Knowing this, it’s no wonder we hold our tongues and say nothing!  It’s no wonder we hide our love and multiply our kisses.  We do it out of self-preservation and fear of rejection, even if the life we begin to live is full of lies. 

But words of honesty shouldn’t hurt in a way that is harmful or destructive.  I’m reminded of Eustace in C.S. Lewis’ Chronicles of Narnia series.  Eustace had built up such a thick skin around himself (manifested quite literally in the form of scaly dragon skin), a façade of superiority and selfishness that masked his true inner self.  Only Aslan, with his claws of Truth, could shed him of the skin.  “The very first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I’ve ever felt.  The only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel off “ (The Voyage of the Dawn Treader).  Shedding lies and accepting Truth hurts, but it’s what we need. 

So, be a truth-bearer today and be honest to your friends and the people around you.  Tell them how much they mean to you; warn them against temptation; admit how they have hurt you; encourage them to be better; pray with and for them.  Love them by saying the Truth.

And ask them to be the same honest friend to you. 

Stay tuned!

More passages about Truth-speaking and gentle rebuking: Matthew 18:15-17, John 8:32, 2 Timothy 3:16-17, Ephesian 4:15-16 and 25, Galatians 6:1, 1 John 3:18, Hebrews 4:12, Revelation 3:19.