Ups and Downs

The wind rushes at my face as we go higher and higher, glee filling my heart and all I can do is smile.  Today is a good day.  And then we get to the crest of that hill and see nothing but air below us, and the pit in my stomach suddenly grows.  I’m falling and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.  Just hang on tight!

 

This is what this past week has felt for me: a rollercoaster designed with hairpin turns, break-neck speeds and heights to make you shiver.  I feel as if I was laughing and then crying within seconds of each other… I’m still trying to get over such a disorienting emotional time.  Here, let me explain a bit.  So, first, Rachel and Ruth flew to Tanzania, Africa last Wednesday which left me slightly more in charge of the office than I was before.  Challenging but a welcome challenge.  Everything was going ok with minor mishaps here and there (like my debit card suddenly not working, but that’s fixed now) until Friday morning comes along.  I find out my dog died the night before.  Crushed, I felt utterly crushed.  I know, K.C. is just the family dog but still, she was a pretty amazing dog and we didn’t really realize it until she was gone.  Needless to say, I started off that day rocky and when everyone else in the house was having such a great day, it was hard for me to deal with it.  Let’s just say I didn’t feel like playing soccer that afternoon.  Then Saturday came and I was invited to the girls’ all-school picnic.  It was a blast!  And I got a nice sunburn too out of the deal.  And Saturday was my little sister’s 21^st birthday (ok, she’s not so little anymore) and it was hard being away from her and not being able to share in her birthday surprises.  We did get to Skype though, so I can’t complain too much.  Sunday I went to church with one of the kids we play soccer with and that was super interesting—a charismatic church with lots of singing and dancing and praying over one another.  I may or may not have felt extremely out of place but they still made me feel welcome.  We’ll see if I work up the nerve to go back J  And then yesterday, I needed to buy our bus tickets to go to Honduras for a conference and the bus agency was giving us a hard time.  As it is, we need to spend two extra days in transit because all the direct tickets were sold out.  So, more changes in planning to account for.  My brain is literally on overload.  And I'm still trying to deal with the death of my pet.  Ahhhh!!!  I feel fit to scream sometimes, let me tell you.

 

And through it all, God gently reminded me that I was never alone in all this, that I’d be a fool to try and rely on my own strength through these trials.  And I was the fool.  I felt weak because I was weak and didn’t call on God to renew me and lessen my burden.  I tried to take it all upon myself, tried to handle it in my own way, not realizing that I was pushing away God’s hand of healing and of peace.  I stumbled and instead of grabbing His hand to catch my fall, I braced for impact. 

I just want to share with you a passage from Sarah Young’s Jesus Calling because it really spoke to me: 

“Bring me your weakness, and receive My Peace.  Accept yourself and your circumstances just as they are, remembering I am sovereign over everything.  Do not wear yourself out with analyzing and planning.  Instead, let thankfulness and trust be your guides through this day; they will keep you close to me.  As you live in the radiance of My Presence, My Peace shines upon you.  You will cease to notice how weak or strong you feel, because you will be focusing on Me.  The best way to get through this day is step by step with Me.  Continue this intimate journey, trusting that the path you are following is headed for heaven” (February 4).

 
Please keep me and my family in your prayers as we deal with the loss of K.C.  Please keep me in your prayers as I learn to lean on God and his strength and not on my own.  Thank you everyone and stay tuned!