Jesus Wept

Do you cry?  Why?  What makes your eyes water?  What makes your sight blur, your heart ache, your soul weep?

Do you weep?

This is a big question for me… for the very simple reason that I, Kelsey Davies, avoid crying at all times.  I take pride in the fact that sad movies do not move me.  I stand tall in circumstances that might make others fall to their knees.  I practice daily my poker face skills and my ability to compartmentalize anguish and sorrow.  Tears do not become me.

Or so I tell myself.

Recently, I’ve come to the understanding that I’ve been lying to myself all this time.  My lies have made me strong, yes, in moments of adversity and hardship.  But I’ve realized that tears are beautiful.  They’re little glistening reminders of feelings, little droplets of empathy, little water warriors against the great foe Apathy.  Tears remind me that I am human, that I am broken, that the world is broken. 

I have had two quotes float through my mind quite a lot this week, words stated so simply and profoundly that I just can’t quite shake them.  The first comes from Jonathan Safran Foer’s book Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close: “Sometimes I can feel my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I’m not living”.  The second comes from Josh Garrels’ song “Farther Along”: “The good man died, the bad man thrives and Jesus cries because he loves them both”.

I can’t quite put words to how these two quotes make me feel.  Sad doesn’t quite capture the profoundness of it; heavy doesn’t quite capture the weight of it; depressed doesn’t quite capture the energy of it.

The simple explanation for this?  It’s not just me feeling this way.  There is something deeper in my gut that understands this inward groaning of my soul and feels it too.  As Rubem Alves puts it: “If we are to believe Paul, the Holy Spirit abides in depths too deep for words.”  The Holy Spirit dwells deep inside me, hovering over the waters of my soul.  She understands my feelings that no words can express because those feelings are her feelings too.  Roman 8:26: “In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans” (emphasis mine).  Groan: a moan so full of feeling and meaning that no word can fully describe it.  The Spirit groans!  God recognizes that some feelings are too profound for conventional dialogue.  And the truth of the matter is: even Jesus wept.  That means that the Holy Trinity—our Lord, Life and Love—feels the pain of the world, understands the groaning of our unsatisfied hearts, and cries because of it.

Sometimes, crying is the only way to express those deep feelings, those wordless groans, those aches of yearning for wholeness. And when we cry, we are not alone.  Thank the Lord, we are not alone.

So today, cry a little.  Embrace that pain and yearning that are buried deep.  Open those doors to your heart and feel.    

Stay tuned!

Photo Credit: http://lookafteryoureyes.org/how-your-eyes-work/about-your-eyes/tears/

Ashes to Ashes

Tomorrow my team leaves me, taking with them I hope a new sense of adventure, curiosity and understanding.  Though this week presented many challenges to me, I am grateful for the wonderful time I’ve had to get to know not only a new group of North Americans but also a new group of Nicaraguans.  Saying goodbye to new friends is always hard, but it is a beautiful example of how quickly God can open our hearts.

My team, seven teenagers and two adults from Pella Christian High School, had the opportunity to stay with host families in the northern city of Chinandega.  An adult team from Pella also joined them in Chinandega, their mission slightly different from ours but overlapping from time to time.  Five churches in Chinandega hosted us and welcomed us into their midst: they led an inter-church soccer tournament in which our teens joined as a competing team (we won 5^th place!), they set-up a day trip to a pool fed by natural springs where teens from the churches could hang out and get to know everyone as well as hear a message from the Bible, they held an inter-church youth service in which teens from all the 5 churches as well as our team participated, and a variety of other activities.  Our team also visited a school here in Managua and each shadowed a student their age to get a new perspective on education in a different context.  In all, the goal of their trip here in Nicaragua was to open their eyes to the Nicaraguan youth and the lives they live.  And the best way to teach anyone this is not through a textbook, seminar, webpage, or blog.  The best way is simply exposure, the more the better.  So, if you don’t understand someone, go live with them.  That’ll give you a better idea where they’re coming from :)

Ash boarding at Cerro Negro

We also had some time for having some fun and enjoying Nicaragua.  We took a half-day and traveled with all of the host families to the beach using public transportation (which is an experience in and of itself).  We climbed the active volcano Cerro Negro and went ash-boarding down it (think sledding but down a volcano).  We wandered around León a bit, climbed its cathedral and enjoyed its views of the city, sampled fresh fruit smoothies and haggled our best at the souvenir stands. 

As often as we could, we talked with the teens about what they were experiencing, what they were surprised about and what they were curious about, what they loved and what they found challenging.  In a poll, the thing they loved most was the new relationships they made with youth here as well as with their host families.  One of the students commented about how hosting their families were: “Jesus welcomed the stranger.  They welcomed us.”  They also said it has encouraged them to reach out more to the international students at their school, the strangers in their land and be good hosts to them.  The hardest thing for everyone was the language—being high school Spanish students didn’t prepare them fully for an immersion experience!  In all, they’ve expressed excitement about their trip and a desire to return and be with their friends again someday.  Mission accomplished.

Tomorrow I will drop them off at the airport in the early morning, take a bus back to my house in León, and crash in the hammock with my kitten and a good book J

And then it’s back to work.

Stay tuned!

Hurdles and Skinned Knees

Photo credit: http://www.inc.com/14-tips-for-jumping-entrepreneurships-hurdles.html

I am the 200 meter hurdler in a regional meet.  I have good shoes on my feet, a uniform that fits, and the energy to keep my heart pumping and muscles contracting at lightning speed.  I know this stretch of man-made track; I know the slight waist high barriers that block my path; I know my body.  This is a race I can win. 

And yet.

And yet with each step forward and each hurdle crossed I feel no farther along in the race then moments before.  In fact, I’m sure more hurdles have suddenly appeared in my lane, doubling, tripling.  I find myself scrapping the tops of my knees on the hurdles as I cross them.  I am losing momentum.  The track itself expands to a length I cannot guess at, the finish line too far off in the distance to even glimpse.  Simply put, I feel trapped in a race I cannot see an end to.

This mental picture describes me so well right now and I want to explain why.  The end of last year was a whirlwind event: completing my first semester with the Dordt students, saying goodbyes, finishing tasks, planning ahead.  Amidst this flurry of activity I had the opportunity to fly home to spend the holidays with my family and friends.  It was truly a wonderful time and the best Christmas gift I could have asked for.  But it too was a whirlwind event with activities packed into the few short weeks leaving me little time to pause and take a deep breath.  Saturday I returned to Nicaragua, sad to leave Michigan and yet happy to be once again in my Central American home.  More chaos greeted me the second I debarked the plane.  Taken separately, each task before me is one I can easily hurdle.  If I zoom out, however, and take in the panorama I start to feel quite burdened by all of not only the work but also the energy required to do it and the emotions that will be tied to it.  It is a race I fear I cannot finish.

But then, God comes and knocks on my virtual front door and puts a little treat in my inbox: two Bible verses that have somehow escaped my notice and sunk down to the pit of my “to read” emails.  In a way as if the prophet was speaking directly to me, Isaiah 41:10 tells me “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous hand.”  The next email shares Isaiah’s voice once again, this time from Isaiah 40:31: “but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on the wings of eagles they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”

Ok, God.  I hear you.

YOU are my strength.  YOU are the hands that hold me up so I don’t fall down.  When my feet falter, when I feel faint, when the sight before me has me groaning and moaning, YOU ARE THERE WITH ME. 

Suddenly, this race before me seems to shrink back to its original size and I can sigh in relief.  I will get through this.  WE will get through this.  By the grace of the God who loves us.

Stay tuned!

Sand and Snow

Here I sit, my feet buried in the sand, a strong breeze keeping the heat of the day away. On the horizon, just blue water to see for miles all around. And though right here in this moment I feel comfortable and at peace, I was anything but yesterday. You see, we had to cross those miles of water to get from the main island to this one. On a tiny boat. Filled with too many people. In the rain. With waves that I swear were trying to kill us.

We made it though. Somehow.

I can tell you all the thoughts that we're going through my mind on that trip, because there honestly weren't that many. Most of it, a continuous, mumbling and repeated prayer: "Lord, give me strength. Give me strength. Give us strength. Help us get through this." or "Jesus, calm the storm like you’ve done before. Command the waves to be still. They know your voice, Jesus. They know you. They'll listen. Just tell them to stop!"  The rest of my thoughts were funny little observations like: "If I die now, how would anybody know?" or "Wow I lost my stomach on that one!" or "Would they leave me if I went overboard?" or "Holy crap, I think we cut through that wave" or "I don't know how we haven't capsized yet!"

My time was made even worse because of several different things: it was raining cats and dogs so in Nica fashion we held a plastic tarp over our heads to cover us--the problem: I'm not quite sure if it was big enough and the only thing that kept it in place was due to its human anchors beneath a.k.a. us. And more specifically, me. I had the honor of gripping that tarp in a vice grip that made my hands cramp, my arms shake, and soaked my entire body (especially the exposed arms) in ocean spray and rain. On the bright side, I think everyone else who wasn't an anchor stayed fairly dry. Second problem of the trip: I got separated from my group since it was a mad dash to grab a seat and we were slow on the get-go. So, I had to suffer the voyage solo. Which maybe was a good thing given the embarrassing expression I'm sure was plastered on my face. The final problem: I truly am scared of small boats when there is an ever looming threat of drowning. A few summers back I had a close call that involved a paddle boat and so now my mind jumps from PEACE to TERROR in milliseconds when I'm in a similar situation. I don't let it keep me from going, no way. I just freak out a little bit (cough a lot) during the trip. No biggie. After this trip, everything else will seem like Disneyland.

So what did I learn? To boil it down: that God had me in the palm of his hand the whole time. He did indeed stop the rain. He did indeed give me the strength to hold onto that tarp, even when the winds threatened to rip it out of my weak grasp. He did indeed keep us from succumbing to the ginormous waves. Those sailors knew their boat, they knew the sea, they knew the waves. If I was driving, well, that would be a whole different story that I'm sure would end in either a tragedy or a miracle. In all, I learned that through my fear I can rely on God to carry me.  I can put all my faith in him to keep me safe. I know it sounds a bit melodramatic but I truly believe God guided our little boat that day. And I am so glad he did.

Now, I have the return trip to look forward to. I feel slightly more confident this time, kind of like the idiot who goes bungee jumping a second time.  A stupid confidence maybe. But I know that God will guide us. And I'm going to find a better seat this time around.

Next week, instead of warm sand that hugs my toes, it will be icy cold snow that envelops my well-guarded feet. And though I may not know the exact manner of adventure I will find between here and there, I know that I can go in the confidence in God that he will get me there! Somehow.

Stay tuned!

Thy Kingdom Come

This week, the United Nations finally found that the North Korean government has been violating the rights of its people and is calling for an inquiry into human rights abuses that have gone on under Kim Jong Un’s dictatorship.  This week, riots, peaceful marches and protesting have been carried out all over Mexico as thousands of people come together to seek justice for the unexplained disappearance of 43 students.  This week, yet more women have come forward claiming to have been raped many years ago by one of our nation’s role models: Bill Cosby.

And this is just one week out of 52 this year, a year where we’ve seen civil unrest and violence break out in the Ukraine, outbreaks of Ebola spread around the globe, the disappearance of Malaysian Airlines Flight 370 along with all her passengers as well as the shot-down of Flight 17 by Ukrainian missiles, escalated fighting in the Gaza strip between Israel and Palestine, rising tensions between the United States and Russia, 276 women and girls kidnapped and held hostage in Nigeria, the countless murders and destruction led by ISIS militants in order to dominate parts of the Middle East, Robin William’s shocking suicide, the migration of thousands of unaccompanied children from Central America inundating the U.S. border, and the large break out of riots in Ferguson in protest after the shooting of the young man, Michael Brown.

Wow.

Remembering all of this has shocked me into sitting in silence, taken aback at how violent a race we can be.  How can such blatant violence exist in society?  How can government -sanctioned torture 

and murder go unpunished?  How can the world turn a blind eye to the Truth?

Easy.

If my backyard is clean and pretty, why should I care what my neighbor’s backyard looks like as long as there’s a fence there blocking my view?  No harm, no foul.

I’m poor.  Why should I waste my resources and energy and money on others when I can barely support myself?  I need to focus on what’s important here.

No one will listen to me, of all people.  Let’s be honest, I’m a nobody.  I have no power, no fame, no means to do anything.  So why should I fight an uphill battle and waste everybody’s time not actually accomplishing anything?  It’s just not logical.

Ok, wait a second.  What will it cost me?  Will it be safe?  I don’t want to jeopardize my life here.  Going out to save someone from suffering and then suffering myself wouldn’t make much sense.  In fact, that’s like increasing the problem.

Hold up, we very well can’t go around forcing our beliefs on others or offend them with our beliefs or anything.  It’s not our place!  If we all want our freedom then we have to respect others in their freedoms.  As long as it doesn’t infringe on my rights.  Then I’m calling the police.

What violence?  We live in a democratic world, not the dark ages!  Hitler died ages ago.  That kind of stuff doesn’t happen anymore.  Besides in Africa or the Middle East, but that’s different.  Seriously, I don’t know where you get your facts from but you can’t listen to anything from the news or on the internet.  They’re all lies.

Well, we don’t live in a perfect world.  There will always be violence and suffering.  As long as it’s over there and distracted by its own success over there then I will be fine with my better than normal life over here.  Besides, why fight humanity, our very essence?  You can’t change who we are.

See?

Deep down, our tainted hearts and minds cloud the goodness and purity of our Creator-given souls.  

We can’t escape it.  Actually, we don’t want to.  It’s easier (and safer) to blow out the candle than to protect its fire.

Apathy is the death of life, not hate.  Ignorance is the death of humanity, not violence.  Arrogance is the death of goodness, not malice. 

We are our own worst enemies.  So in whom can we rely?

Lord, this world is just too heavy to bear anymore.  Why can we not look at our neighbor and see your face looking back at us?  Why does our sinful nature always have to clamp itself around our neck like a heavy chain, weighing us down so that goodness lies just out of our reach?  Why can’t we break free?

I know, Lord, you have set us free and one day we will be whole again.  I know.  And yet this wait is so painful, Father, so painful. 

And so I pray today, Father, for all of us.  I pray that our hearts of stone may be shattered by your light.  I pray that we your people may step forth, hand in hand, and boldly go out to recklessly love those we find along the way.  I pray that we may embrace both our friend and our enemy.  I pray that we speak loud and act even louder.  I pray that we will not be silent in the face of violence, that we will seek both justice and mercy.  Above all, I pray that we will give you all the glory and all the honor in our every waking moment.   

Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done.

And please may it come soon!

Amen.

Stay tuned!

Border Buddies but not Best Friends

Once again I found myself sitting in the semi-comfortable seat of a bus, patiently enduring the long hours of the ride ahead of me.  I have had more than my fair share of long bus rides in the recent past and yet here I was again.  But, it was for a good cause, I kept telling myself.  It had been almost a year since I had last stepped foot on Costa Rican soil.  I had no idea what to expect.  I was both excited for this trip and at the same time a little bit afraid—what if things were really different from what I remembered?  Could I lead this group of students confidently enough?  Well, yes.  To put it simply.

The week flew by and there was simply too much packed into the week for me to share every dirty detail.  So, consider this a short commercial of our trip, complete with highlights (and lowlights) and a bonus “But wait!  There’s more” section:

• We spent a luxurious 4 nights and 5 days in a b-e-a-utiful campus of Whitworth, located in the mountains near San Rafael and the Barva volcano.  Let me just say, it was chilly and gorgeous.  I actually wanted to drink hot tea and coffee and wear my scarves!  I snuggled in down and fleece blankets, enjoyed the fresh air and hikes in the woods, soaked in the vista of the shining stars above, reveled in the hot showers, and melted in the heat from the various bonfires we had.  Bliss, pure bliss.

• So, at some point or another, 6 out of 7 of my students were sick on this trip, some severely so.  It got so bad at one point I needed to take 3 of them in to see a doctor.  Good news: they’ll live.  Bad news: some may or may not have had a nasty bug known as Chikungunya (similar to Dengue).  More good news: I didn’t get sick J
• We went to a plant, waterfall, and animal reserve one morning.  It put all of the other zoos I’ve been to to shame.  Sorry guys, but La Paz Waterfall Gardens wins hands down.  So, if you find your way to Costa Rica be sure to visit this place!  We also had a chance to have a tour of a coffee cooperative and learn lots about coffee.  It’s a cooperative of over 2,500 coffee farmers and is big enough to sell their product to not only Costa Rican customers but also to big wigs like Starbucks and Caribou Coffee.  To sum it up: it was delicious.  Oh, and educational.
  
• We had s’mores one evening.  ‘nuff said.
• We learned more about the immigration situation in Costa Rica, both in the form of a documentary as well as a presentation given by a Costa Rican who works with immigrants and natives and their housing situation.  It was extremely enlightening for me—I had lived there and had always heard about how Nicaraguans flooded to Costa Rica during the harvest seasons of coffee and others crops but I never really knew more than that.  There is definitely this viewpoint that’s prevalent among Costa Ricans that the Nicaraguans are coming in and stealing their jobs and increasing the violence in the nation and stealing and destroying all their resources.  The statistics don’t support these myths, however, but I don’t think those beliefs are going to disappear overnight.  People have a way of editing the truth to suit their beliefs.  Actually, the whole situation between Nicaragua and Costa Rica reminds me a lot about the situation between the U.S. and Mexico.  Same stereotypes, same prejudices, same myths, same push factors, same third wheel that’s often forgotten about (cough cough Canada and Panama).  In both cases, we may share a border but obviously that doesn’t make us best friends.
• While I was there I also had a brief chance to visit some of my old friends, people who I miss dearly.  I truly appreciate the few hours I had with them but I crave so much more.  I will be going back next year to make it up to them and myself.  I will also buy more coffee and chocolate covered coffee beans—it’s a tradition I will not break J

But wait!  There’s more!  Did you know that medium roast coffee has more caffeine than an espresso?  Did you know that a toucan’s feet are actually soft and warm?  Did you know that butterflies like Enya music (ok don’t quote me on this one but they were definitely playing Enya in the butterfly garden)?  Did you know that tour guides, translators and drivers can get in free to almost every tourist location and restaurant in Costa Rica if they’re leading a group?  Did you know that pine trees and palm trees can in fact coexist in the same habitat?  Did you know that I can’t tell if I like Costa Rica or Nicaragua better, that both of them hold a special place in my heart?  Well, now you do!

That’s all for now.  Stay tuned!

Only in Nicaragua

So many times I am asked the question: “So what are the differences you see between here and where you’re from?”  Such a loaded question, one I’m sure I don’t have an adequate or well-researched answer for.  Nonetheless, I never want to disappoint my interrogator so I come up with something to avoid creating an awkward silence: “Well, the weather for one thing.”  “The people here seem to be more open, more hospitable.”  “Spanish, duh.”  “Time—everything takes longer here.”  And once I start thinking of things the easier it gets to come up with more and more examples.  Surprisingly, I notice more about the culture and life here than I think I do!  Please don’t quote me and please don’t consider my list extensive, but I thought I’d share with you some things that I’ve witnessed that you could say are “Only in Nicaragua.”

• 3-5 people on a motorcycle, or two people and a bicycle on a motorcycle, or two people and propane tanks or mattresses or piping or whatever—this is completely normal.  If you need to get somewhere with something, those two wheels are sufficient enough.  Every time I see this I am more and more impressed by the universal talent Nicaraguans seem to have in balancing things.
• Eating potatoes and rice in the same meal, sometimes even mixed together.  Here, they seem to be complimentary foods, not two starches of the same bland color and taste.
• It’s 90+ degrees outside and everyone’s wearing jeans.  It’s just what they do.
• Saying adios in greeting, even though technically it means goodbye.  Think of it as aloha.
• Showing up to an event 15-30 minutes late is definitely arriving on time.  Any earlier and you’d be rushing things.  Any later and you’re rude to the host.
• Fireworks at 4 in the morning—it’s Saint What’s-His-Name’s Day after all (sorry, I don’t want to sound rude to the Catholics out there and their traditions—there are just a TON of them here and I never remember who we’re celebrating).  And while we’re on the subject, random parades of school children and marching bands and religious icons that randomly block off streets at random times during the day.
• Wearing a hot pink patterned shirt, blue skinny jeans, and red high heels OR a teal blue hair tie with teal blue eye make-up with a teal tank top with teal shoes—clashing or being matchy-matchy don’t seem to be very strong concepts here.  You wear what you like.
• Running to catch the bus, which is often a really colorful school bus decorated with streamers and filled to the brim with way too many passengers.  Somehow, they will find a way to fit that one last person.
• Adding a healthy spoonful of sugar to your cup of milk (and by healthy I do not in fact mean healthy.  I mean huge.).  In fact, adding a whopping amount of sugar to any beverage: juice, coffee, tea, milk, etc.
• Have community guards who bike around all throughout the night and whistle at your door every hour to let you know they are doing the job you are paying them for.  It’s really loud.
• Greeting people with nicknames such as “fatty” (gordita) or “black skin” (negra) or “white skin” (chela) or “asian looking” (chino), etc.  These names are descriptive, not offensive.
• Street dogs by the dozens, most with ribs showing and many with some injury or other. Apparently they never received Bob Barker’s spay and neuter advice.
• Listening to two or more types of music at the same time—one from your phone, another from your TV, another from the radio… you get the idea.  Basically, loud music means you’re happy.
• Drinking juice, pop, or water out of a bag—a treat you can buy from street vendors.  Just pop in a straw or bite a hole in the corner and you’re good to go.
• Cars driving by loudly advertising things, from upcoming events to goods for sale to announcements of deaths.  Think of it as moving audible billboards.
• Cold showers because it’s too hot for anything else.
• Eating a ginormous bowl of HOT chicken soup for lunch, also known as the hottest part of the day.  No further comment.
• Uneven cobblestone streets, even more uneven sidewalks, and colorfully painted adobe houses that may or may not be in a constant state of crumbling.  If you have nothing else to say, the architecture here is beautiful.
• Etc., etc., etc.

Now of course it would be crazy of me to claim that you could only find these things in Nicaragua.  My point here is that they are so foreign to my culture back home and take me by surprise every time.  When I travel this is one of the joys I look forward to encountering: new (and sometimes crazy) ways of living. 

What are some of the crazy and cool things you’ve seen on your travels?

On a final note, I will not be able to write next week as I will be with the SPIN students on their semester trip to Costa Rica.  I’m going back!  Please be with us as we travel and learn and experience what Costa Rica has to offer. 

Also, it’s my birthday on Friday.  Boo-yah.

Stay tuned!